stand up to death
by unkeptrosa
Summary: Ronnie seeboks execution and tom's feelings after. Ronnie/tom/doug. Uncompleted
1. Chapter 1

**New story! Apologies this one is depressing. I like writing depressing stuff because.. it seems so deep **** yeah! This story isn't completed; I don't know how to finish it. This is about Ronnie's death penalty from episode "2245" season 4. Pardon me if I get any of the facts wrong and make plot holes :/ you can read in on a bad day if you like … contains no slash and no bodily harming – though you never know. I haven't finished the story to end yet. So… read on - **

Doug waited next to a dull grey old building that stood close to State Prison feeling shudders run up and down his body. It wasn't the look of it or the air was cold; the fact it was a place where people get death penalties because their crimes are not stopping. It is what was being to Ronnie Seebok at this moment. A young man who was suspected of murder but was not guilty, however his drug deals were found out because Hanson was there with him while undercover. In that way when Ronnie killed another Tom felt responsible. He felt he was always responsible for other people. It becomes a problem when it evolves around a person's death because he would blame himself. He didn't know why and wished Tom wouldn't feel that way. Is it that he strives to be a good cop like his father who passed away or is over-sensitive? Probably both.

This late evening, Tom was in the building watching the execution because Ronnie asked him. Reason was because they have sort of developed friendship so Tom agreed to be there, for him. Of course Tom accepted because as he said, he felt responsible. Doug didn't understand any of it even if asked his friend a dozen times. Then again, he never really understood Tom, even with the four-year friendship. But the most important part of their friendship would be being there for each other like he was doing tonight. He couldn't let Tom be all alone, knowing Tom would be upset by something he didn't agree with. Like the death penalties.

He never met Ronnie Seebok himself but heard he was sly and cold. From those tags he believed Ronnie asked Tom to see to execution to manipulate him for the last time, an own back for getting him into prison. He wanted to tell Tom this but thought better of it as it's not something Tom would agree with. He remembers nearly shouting at Tom when he said that he didn't agree Ronnie should have the execution. Doug was telling him he killed a good person, the good person was a respected undercover police officer they knew. _"But Ronnie is still a person", _Doug remembered Tom replied.

His hands were tucked deep into his pockets as the coldish, howling wind blew against him. A yellow light surrounded him from a street lamp close by and above, the night sky navy blue.

It was around an hour, Doug waited. He knew that from impatiently checking his brown worn-out leather watch every ten minutes as the time was dragging on so he was relieved when he saw some people come out of the steel door of the building thinking the wait will be over. But he hasn't seen the sight of Tom amongst the people. There were about fourteen of them and they wore passes around their necks that stated 'Visitor' in red letters. Some of them were chatting, like something ordinary happened. Besides the fact they saw a person get executed. Doug bit his lip wondering if he could ask any of them where his friend could be but his wonder was cut off when he saw the last person to exit the building; Tom. He was wearing old jeans and a zipped up brown jacket and his brown lank hair slightly flopped eyes and too, wearing a pass. He walked towards him, his eyes meeting his gaze and stopped a few paces away from him.

The first thing he noticed when he saw Tom, was his eyes. They were dark, so dark with no twinkles dancing in it he usually had...like it was dead. His painful eyes looked right though him and at nothing. He was disturbed by it but didn't look away. Not only was his eyes dark but his face too. It was shadowed grey and long.

"You look terrible" Doug said before he could think about the right words to say. He could just kick himself for saying something so stupid. He has just watched an execution of course he would look like hell and he would know it too. He wasn't all that great at showing sympathy when he felt uncomfortable with the situation. Tom didn't bite his head off though; he just lowered his gaze to the floor.

Tom wasn't speaking either. That made it hard for Doug to as well. What could he say? He couldn't ask anything that happened in there because he knew Tom wouldn't want to talk about it. Maybe he can another time.

When he began to get so sick of the silence he spoke again, "would you like a ride at my place?" he asked. He was glad he came out with something worth saying and at least helpful but he didn't get a reply straight-away. He felt more uncomfortable by the minute of no response. He wondered if Tom hadn't heard him correctly or at all and thought of repeating the question. "Tom?" he repeated hopefully.

"Yes" Tom finally responded. His voice was lifeless and haunting. He didn't reconnect his eyes into Doug's but instead, turned to walk to head to Doug's yellow car outside the open gates of State prison.

State Prison, he had just remembered Tom had in fact been in prison for two months, wrongly accused of murder half a year ago. He thought that could be another reason why he connected to Ronnie. He went to see him a lot in prison probably to say 'I know how you feel' or 'I know what it's like'. If only he knew Ronnie didn't have a care in the world. He killed a good officer for Christ's sake!

Tom dawdled along and Doug tagged by his side. Doug ears picked up to Tom's harsh, heavy breathing. In out, in out, rather loudly. He turned his head to stare at his friend. He had his head slightly down and anger was clouded in his eyes. Then he unexpectedly ripped off the visitor tag from his neck and threw it to the ground as if it disgusted him. Doug's response was a raise of his eyebrows. Did Tom sense he was staring at him for a majority of time and that made him snap? He knew Tom hated being stared at whenever he wasn't in a good mood. "I'm sorry" Doug apologised in it was what he thought. Tom stopped and stared into Doug's soft brown eyes with his fiery menacing eyes "No you're not!" Tom shouted. The loudest he had been so far, in fact it made Doug's heart jump and ears ring. "You wanted Ronnie to die, just like the rest of them!" Tom spat. Oh, now it made sense. It was about Ronnie not about the staring. Tom was right, he had no soft spot for Ronnie and agreed to the testimony he should get the death penalty. No one else disagreed, accept Tom. He struggled to find words to say like Tom was earlier. It looked as if Tom could just bite his head off with his reply, the way he was fuming. He may be shorter than him but was menacing when he was angry. He never hit him but it looked like he would now.

"I don't know how you can be so sick" Tom said in a quiet voice. His eyes glittered back to life with tears. To his surprise, his anger seemed to have washed away to tenderness. He almost felt guilt leaking under the surface, the words Tom chose, the way his eyes showed hurt and betrayal. "I'm...I'm - "Doug's apology was cut off when Tom quickly turned away and began walking again, but faster. Doug tried to catch up with him. He reached out his arm and placed a firm hand on his shoulder to stop him walking. "I am sorry" Doug said softly as he could. Tom shrugged Doug's big hand off his shoulder and carried on walking, not turning back. Doug tried to keep up, sometimes with a little run because Tom was surprisingly a fast walker.

He finally stopped when he got to Doug's car. Doug breathed heavy and his heart hammered in his chest from the cause of catching up. He looked in the car window reflection of Hanson's face and saw he was trying not to cry by biting hard at his bottom lip. Doug gingerly took out his car key from his pocket and unlocked the car door for his friend. Tom hastily opened the car door himself and sat down. Doug walked to the other side of his car, unlocked it and slipped inside on the comfy seat. He moved his hand to the wheel and glanced over to Hanson who sat limply, staring out of the front window before him as if Doug doesn't exist. He willed himself to find something to say that might change Tom's feelings towards him. He licked his lips before speaking, "I… I wouldn't feel the way you feel Tom, because I haven't gotten to know, close to Ronnie and I haven't just watched... him die" he said, regretting the last words because it was too open. Tom reacted by closing his eyes as if he was shameful. "I wouldn't know" Doug repeated, close to a whisper. They sat a few minutes in the car still and silent accept their thoughts.

_I hope he won't be against me from this time. It's not as if I killed Ronnie. What should I say and what should I do? What would become of these days? Will he be ok again or would he hate me forever? Why is it so damn hard to know what's up in his head? He seems to get the wrong idea of almost everything. How could he blame everyone and me for Ronnie's death? It's Ronnie's fault, again, for one last time._ Angered and buggered thoughts and questions circled Doug's mind he wished someone could answer.

_I hope Doug isn't thinking I'm against him. I sure seem like it to him but I can't stop the accusations pushing towards him. Yes, I hate him for agreeing Ronnie's death penalty but he is still my best friend, forever and always and what he feels it's his choice. I can't hate him forever. I just feel the anger and betrayal that I'm the only one to stand up to Ronnie out of all the people. They seem to look down at me as if I'm messed up or something. I cannot help feeling for other people. I know Ronnie killed two people but having a death penalty is too far. He should have lived his life in prison...not die. Ronnie's fear brought both of us together. I can't forget the dreaded fear in Ronnie's eyes in the execution. When lying down strapped down with a needle stuck in his arm for poison to pass through, his fearful eyes turned left and met his own. I could almost read in his mind he was screaming 'help'. I wish I could have. I think the worst part was seeing the fear in his eyes. I can't forget it, I can even see it. He didn't seem to be a bad person to me especially when he was preparing himself to death when he asked me to watch. He asked me because no one else was close to him and felt for him the way I did. "Promise me, promise me you come...please" I remembered Ronnie asked two days ago. I could never say no, seeing the begging pain in his eyes. I agreed, meeting my eyes into the dead man's._

"Do you want to come at my place?" Doug asked. He thought it would be a good idea to watch over Tom tonight and the next few days in case he did something...crazy. He had to say, sometimes Tom is so unexpected and nuts. One time he spiralled out of control; part of the case, he drag raced with the drag raced ending with the suspect seriously hurt, he went off with an old friend to escape Fuller's lesson to retake the police academy, got a tattoo, spent a small time in jail and tried to crash a wedding! No one could control him, not even Fuller! The court warned if they don't find Tom he would lose his job. Eventually Tom decided for himself to make it all right again. He said he couldn't stand being so responsible and for once, wanted to be free and do anything he wanted. But there was just one reason that kept him as a cop, because his father was who passed away. People expected him to be in his dad's shoes and be like...a replacement. He heard some cops who knew his dad say he looks very much like him. He didn't know if Tom minded but knew he loved his father. He would mention him sometimes like in a way, to show he's not forgotten but every time he would get very emotional. He's like a boiled egg, hard shell but soft inside.

"**No**" Tom replied to his question, so certain. Doug sank in his seat helplessly. When Tom says no, it's a no. The more he asks again the more Tom would be angry at him. He would just have to give up but... just tonight. He might go and see him tomorrow to make sure he hasn't done something stupid. He replied with a silent 'ok' and turned on the engine to drive through the night.

**Okie dokie, that's the first chapter, please review to tell criticism, what you like, what you don't like and how sorry you feel for Tommy :P : ) **


	2. Chapter 2

**Neeeeeext chapter. Heart-breaking I have no reviews yet. I thought my story wasn't all that bad, sniff.**

He walked into an empty room and some people he didn't know walked up behind him. In the room he saw only a curtain which was closed hiding whatever was behind it. Soon the curtains were drawn open and he saw Ronnie strapped to a bad circled with doctors and nurses. There were machines and poison ready to use.

"Would you like to say anything before your death?" a doctor asked.

….Ronnie was silent, afraid. The doctor impatiently repeated the question.

"Murderer..." Ronnie finally replied. Spite was in his eyes as he said it.

"Ok let's get on with it" the doctor said irritably.

A nurse pierced a needle in Ronnie's arm for the poison to pass through. Ronnie turned his head so he was looking straight at Tom. "You got me into this…" he accused.

The doctors turned to his direction too, their expressions unreadable.

He took a step back in fear "no!" he protested. Behind him, hands scraped at him. He saw it was the people who came in with him to watch the execution.

"Murderer, murderer" they chanted like mad people. He struggled against their surprisingly strong hands. A hand clamped over his nose and mouth and he couldn't breathe. "No!" he screamed in a muffled voice. He let out his remaining air with the scream…now he was getting dizzy from no air. The murder chants were soon fading away and his vision turned black.

Tom woke up with a gasp. He breathed heavy and his heart thumped hard in his chest. He was breathing…he was alive. It was all a dream. There were no hands grabbing at him. There were no accusion's pointing at him. The dark shaded bedroom was silent. But the dream seemed so real… So real, he could almost believe it had just happened. A sob escaped his throat. He switched on a side lamp beside him and saw he was stuck in twisted bed sheets. He shakily untangled himself and swept off the bed. He padded his way across the room to the door still afraid. He still had the sounds of the murder chants in his head. He went into the bathroom and switched the light on making him squint from the brightness. He rubbed his eyes and looked into a mirror that was on the wall. In his reflection his face was pale and had beads of sweat. He picked up a flannel by the sink and soaked it with cold water. He wiped his face and closed his eyes as the water was squeezed releasing cold water to drip down his face. He finished with wiping his neck and chest. He stared back into his reflection. His eyes had nothing but fear. He couldn't believe he was looking into his own. He rarely saw fear in his eyes. They had always been full of courage as he was a cop… They weren't his own. He couldn't look at them anymore; he couldn't look at himself anymore becoming sick. He gripped the edge of the bath with his hand and lowered himself down to sit on the cold floor. Tears welled up in his eyes. He rested his head on both knees he drawn up against his chest. He wanted to sit like that for longer because he was too afraid to go back to his bedroom to fall asleep and have another of those nightmares. He raised his head to the shell patterned wall in front of him.

"_Could you get me out?"_ a voice of Ronnie's faded in.

"_I can't"_ his own voice replied.

He could have gotten Ronnie out but he wasn't allowed or he just didn't have the guts…but he could have. He felt like he was a murderer just like the others because of that.

"_Suit yourself"_ _Ronnie spat and sat down onto the chair belonging to the jail._

"_I'm sorry" he apologised. Ronnie looked at him with accusing eyes _

"_Then you will watch me die and regret it" he said_.

He was right but not the friendship with Ronnie because he learnt death penalties are sick and wrong. In the past he never really thought about it much. But thought it was right if the person was really bad like killed hundreds of people. Ronnie only killed two and he wasn't bad as a friend. He appreciated that he was there as he was the only visitor that came to see him.

"_I hate to say it…but I'm glad you come to see me, man. No one else gives a shit about me. No one else can face looking at me from the mistakes I made"_ _Ronnie said. _

"_So you're sorry?" Tom asked. _

"_There's no use of me being sorry. I'm gonna get killed aren't I? My sorry would be taken life out of me. Shame though…I liked my life, I loved what I did which is why I killed those two people. They were going to mess up my work" he said. Ronnie saw he had a disgusted look on his face. "The look of the other cops and law faces" he commented "you see, you're just as bad as any. You love your work, pushing criminals around and wreck their lives by busting them into prison. Then they come out with nothing left. There will be nothing left of me that's for sure" he smirked._

_Tom was angry about what he said but Ronnie's smirk disappeared and tears welled up in his eyes. He turned away from him to hide his emotions. "I don't want to die…not yet…" he said. _

Those words he said about him being bad as any, he believed it now. He never thought what it was like for a criminal and knows now what they mean by cops being pigs, cold and heartless thinking about nothing but about their job. That was what he was but he wasn't now. Not after he realised…

Tom stood up from sitting in the bathroom thinking of what felt like hours. He was very tired, his body was stiff and his eyes were aching but he was scared to sleep. He didn't want to be at home any longer. He didn't want to go to Doug's or any of his other friend's houses… he decided to go to the Jump Street Chapel to start early…anything to get his mind off the hurt. He drove there in his light-blue mustang in the night, driving long lonely roads. He didn't know what he was doing. It seemed like everything was a dream. He felt like losing his head any minute. Maybe he felt like this because he was tired. He didn't know. He was surprised he could still focus on driving when worries and angst were circling his head. He even managed to get to the chapel. Outside was cold…he had left his jacket at home wearing the same clothes he wore: old jeans and a black t-shirt. He shivered but tried to ignore it. He walked up the steel chapel steps and pushed open the old wooden door. It didn't budge. He knocked his body against it a couple of times till the wood started to splinter. He gasped when the door unexpectedly broke open. He stumbled but regained his balance. He looked at the splintered door in surprise. He was gonna get into trouble for this. He wasn't thinking it through with getting in though it shouldn't matter. It will get fixed he hoped. God, he must be tired. In the chapel was dead and dark. It was weird seeing the place in the dark and in peace because it's always busy and loud. He walked his way blindly to his desk he could just make out. He sat down and turned on his desk light. He distracted himself and his tiredness by focusing on some paperwork he left untouched.

A long time later, he jumped from a newfound sound: "Who's there?" A voice boomed and a light flashed on. He saw captain Fuller come into the chapel with an angry look on his face. He must have seen the broken door and thought someone was breaking and entering. Last person he would think of doing that would be his own officer…

Tom left his desk and showing himself to Fuller "hi…" he greeted with a wince. He hated Fuller to be angry because he would shout in your ears.

Fuller looked surprised he was here, his anger was long gone to confusion "why are you so early?" he asked "do you know anything about the door?" he asked pointing behind him.

Tom rubbed the back of his neck "the uh door broke" he replied. He couldn't exactly say he broke it open. He didn't know what Fuller would say to that but he knew it wouldn't be pleasant.

"Yes I know that, why?" Fuller asked impatiently.

"It's old…it's broke" Tom replied, sounding dumb.

Fuller shook his head hopelessly giving up about the door situation. He looked at Tom for a long moment. He didn't know what he was thinking, feeling nervous. "Did…you go see the execution?" he asked carefully.

"Of Ronnie Seebok, yes" he replied darkly. "How did it go?" Fuller asked.

"How did it go?" Tom repeated and sarcastically laughed "how do you think? It shouldn't have happened to him!" he said angrily.

Fuller never left his eyes "if you knew how much it was going to hurt, why did you go and watch?" he asked.

"Because he asked me to. He wanted someone he knew be there" Tom replied softly.

Fuller nodded slowly "well then what are you doing here so early? I'm giving you time off, some professional help too" he said.

"No…I don't want time off and I definitely don't want professional help either!" he replied annoyed.

Even though he knew Fuller has to suggest professional help to officers when cases or experiences had been hard because it's procedure he wasn't going to take it. He thought psychiatrists are useless because they just sit there and try and suss out your head when they know nothing. He knows that because he had been seeing some after his father passed away in a shooting when he was sixteen. It made no difference. He helped overcome his pain by himself because things do become better, don't they?

"I'm trying to help you…" Fuller said, placing his strong hand onto his shoulder.

Tom shrugged off the hand and took a step back "no, you don't understand! This isn't about me, this is about Ronnie! He shouldn't have been killed he should have had the right to live a life, not to be deprived!" he shouted.

"It's the law Tom, it's the way it is" Fuller replied calmly.

"So you think it's right?" Tom accused, tears glittering in his eyes from betrayal. He felt even more alone thinking he was the only one standing up to Ronnie.

Fuller looked away "I'm a captain. I agree with all laws" he said. He looked back, eyes cold "and you're a cop. You should be following the laws too. I told you not to see Ronnie too much as I know it will become like this. I know you Tom, you disagree and you fight. Not saying it's wrong but laws are laws. It will be a long time to change the death penalty law maybe even never" he explained.

Tom sat down on the edge of the closest desk, Harry's desk lost for words. Maybe Fuller was right about him should have not been so close to Ronnie and that the law would probably never change. Things had become…a complete mess. Seeing his death had made him so disillusioned. He looked at Fuller and could almost read he was saying, 'see, you know I'm right'…

He didn't want to be wrong. "Death penalties are sick and people who agree with them are sick too" Tom shot back and tried to walk away to avoid seeing Fuller's anger but there was no escaping as his hand gripped round his arm tightly stopping him into a halt "he killed a good officer!" he shouted.

Tom turned round to look into his eyes sharing the anger "I don't care!" he said "the ones who put Ronnie to death should be put to death too!"

"I told you, it's the law. You can't have those murderers walking the streets!" gripping Tom's arm tighter

"Then they should send them to prison longer!" Tom replied. He tried to pull out of Fuller's grip because it was hurting then Fuller finally let go looking shameful for physically hurting his own officer without realizing.

Tom heard a little shuffle in the background and saw Judy entered the chapel "the doors busted" she exclaimed to them.

It didn't look as though Judy knew the unfolding scene a while ago or perhaps she pretending she didn't hear any of the shouts. He could maybe ask her later other than wondering.

"Go home" Fuller told him sternly and walked towards his office.

"I don't want to" Tom called back stubbornly. Fuller ignored him.

…"everything ok?" Judy asked curiously.

"Did you hear anything…before you came up?" Tom asked ignoring Judy's own question.

Judy shifted uncomfortably "well yeah but it's none of my business" she replied.

"How much have you heard?" Tom asked.

"A little…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overhear" Judy replied.

"It's ok…" Tom replied, rubbing his throbbing arm Fuller grabbed at. "Do you hate Ronnie?" he couldn't help but ask. He needed to find someone who didn't…

"I don't know. He did murder someone who I really liked…" she said distantly. Tom knew this meant a yes. He angrily walked away from her not looking back.

Fuller angrily knocked a cup over off his desk and it dropped onto the floor with a thump. Sometimes he couldn't stand Tom. He would be so stubborn and would rarely do as he says, only sometimes follow the rules. He tried to be like a parent, to help his officers but with Tom it was impossible because he would push him away or accuse him of trying to be like his father. It wasn't true, he was only caring. He knew being a cop can be tough which is why his hand is open to help. He didn't think Tom will accept to see the psychiatrist or take time off… which made him so angry he hurt Tom by grabbing his arm forgetting he wasn't allowed to do that. He thought maybe he could leave Tom be till he comes to him for help. If he ever…

**Ok.. I don't know why I made Tom break through the door lol just something I would do…haha. Well please review – and if you like any suggestions to make of the story! :D **


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